august 23, 2021 ✦ 3:18 AM

just made this site. feels good. i hope to update it frequently, it seems like something i can actually (hopefully) keep up with.
i'm only just learning html stuff, so i guess things will be looking a bit bare bones for the time being. having adhd is difficult because
you have so many ideas, and a lot of them can be really good, but actually getting the energy and concentration to follow through with a
project to the end is extremely difficult. i hope to at least finish a few big projects in my life, even if i leave a million half baked
ideas in their wake. i want to finish Veritas, at least, in whatever form i decide it will take.

i may upload scans of my paper journal entries here, but the issue with that is that my paper journals are often reserved for more incoherent,
emotional rambling. i don't think they'd really be of much value to anyone outside of myself. it's weird how social media has kind of rewired my brain.
i always feel the need to turn everything in my life into something i can commodify in hopes of gaining recognition. i feel like a lot of people are
getting tired of that. i know i am. i almost exclusively use the internet to talk to people or just look at art anymore. every time i use typical social
media it annoys me. i should learn to do more stuff in html and make this site look fancier, with backgrounds and shit. i was looking at some more
complex sites earlier for inspiration and it's got my mind racing with ideas. it's kind of annoying trying to upload my art onto neocities, but i guess
it'll be worth it for the sake of having a nice little gallery i can direct people to when they wanna see my art. the problem is that i work on really
big canvas sizes digitally since i heard a long time ago that it's more professional or something? and also i just draw huge so it's natural for me.
but then whenever i try to upload a drawing to neocities i have to scale down the size of it so it'll fit on the page, and it just gets kind of irritating.
i'll spend the rest of the evening tomorrow doing that tedious shit though. i can't be bothered to try and work on that for the rest of tonight.

i've been staying up extremely late this past week. i don't know what's been up with me. my friend riley has had an issue with this for a bit and i guess
that just sort of rubbed off on me. i find myself pulling allnighters more frequently. i think part of it has to do with it being summer. i can't wait for
summer to be over. my birthday is tomorrow. it almost doesn't even feel like it. i feel like this year has gone by faster than any other year of my life.
2020 felt like such a slow crawl, it was fucking agonizing. by comparison i guess 2021 has been pretty good so far. we'll see how autumn and winter go.
my life has been pretty alright lately, i guess like in comparison to last year. i don't have much to complain about to begin with, but things aren't
great for me a lot of the time just because of how my mental state is. i feel pretty calm right now though. i don't know where i'll go from here, i'm
getting tired but i don't really want to sleep quite yet. i also just downed the rest of my energy drink because it's going to go flat, which was probably
not a good idea in hindsight.

i shouldn't be up this late, because i have to be awake early tomorrow morning. or i guess.. this morning. i have to be awake for a pretest for my
high school equivalency. i wouldn't worry about it if it wasn't going to take me very long, but i'm going to be there from 9am to 3pm. i'll have to
pack myself lunch for it. god, i might as well stay awake so i can pretend i woke up at 7am to cook or something. the testing facility is in a part
of town that i don't go to frequently and is also fairly unsafe apparently, so i guess i'm a bit nervous about that. i should be fine though.

i want to start driving already. and i want a job. i should send out more applications, but i also might just wait on getting my drivers' license before
i try to pursue that. i don't know, lol. i'm listening to this song that i got through youtube recommendations. it's pretty nice. you should listen to it. here.
i keep clenching my jaw. i should take better care of my teeth. or just my body in general. i have a gym membership but i use it very sporadically.
i'm eager to get some routine back in my life, just feeling like i have a sense of purpose. being able to draw a lot is nice, as is making little personal
projects like this site, but i'd like to be able to get out of the house more often and for longer periods of time.

i keep thinking about the fact that it's my birthday tomorrow. i don't know why that's nuts to me. maybe it's because i feel like i haven't really matured that much since i
was like 13. feels like time just kind of happens to me.