back.


august 24, 2021 ✦ 9:34 PM

today's my birthday. i'm 17 now. that's pretty wild. ive had mixed feelings today, i don't know. i made the mistake of
looking at my ex friends' social media so that kind of soured my mood and made me a bit more paranoid than i needed to be today.
but i'm trying not to be negative. really, today's been good. i shouldn't overthink things so much but i guess that's kind of just
what comes with being an anxious person. i'm on call with my boyfriend right now. he bought me Hollow Knight because he said he
could buy me a steam game and that's one he recently finished. riley also made me a pmv/animatic type thing of my characters and it's
fucking amazing. i'll embed it below.



dad gave me cash and i bought some clothes. i got a vintage dark green carhartt detroit jacket, which is a jacket i've specifically been
looking for for a cheap price for like, years now or something? i'm really excited to get it. it's an XXL, which is way too big to fit
a guy as tiny as me, but it's not a big deal. that just means if i get fat i'll still fit into it and it'll layer well. it was only $50 plus
shipping too, and they usually go for $100+ so i can't complain about that. it's kind of embarrassing how fast i spend money? i don't know if
it's an ADHD impulse control thing or what, but i just find myself making wishlists of stuff i like all the time and so whenever i actually get
money to buy shit it just vanishes instantly. my mom always shames me for not saving it but idk i just can't help myself lol. especially because
i have a debit card now. whenever i have money it always just feels like it's burning a hole in my pocket. i'm sure a lot of people would call me
spoiled for that.

i'm excited to see what this year brings for me. i was getting pretty paranoid today but i think i've mostly (?) calmed down from that? i need to
contact a psychologist soon like i've been meaning to. i've suspected for years that i have some kind of undiagnosed anxiety disorder, but i'm really
not sure. can psychologists "officially" self diagnose when they have the proper certification? or does that not count because introspection is different
from someone else's pespective of you? maybe i'll look it up later. my older cousin is going through school to become a psychologist, so i could also ask
him. that might be an embarrassing question though. the guy is a bit intimidating, like he's just kind of hard to get a read on.

riley's animatic has got me excited to work on veritas more. i don't think my hyperfixation on it is slipping, but rather i just have a different perspective
on the story now than i did earlier in the year. like it's not as intense and i view it as something less..personal. i'd like to get back to that. i want to feel
completely immersed in my work again. i think the reason for me not feeling that way as of late is just because i've been having to take care of other things
in my life. but at the same time, i still mostly have the same amount of free time that i have had for the past year or so. i'm going on a trip with my dad
to like some fuckass town in the middle of nowhere this week, i think? i don't know what we're gonna do there but i guess it's good to have a change of scenery
even if it's just another desert city. i'll probably bring my laptop, i just hate lugging it everywhere because it's super wide. i got it for my 14'th birthday
to draw with, but now that i use an ipad it's just kind of clunky to carry and i mostly just use the desktop that i keep at my mom's.

i said i was over it, but i'm still thinking about my ex friends. i don't know, i should be grateful for the people i have in my life right now, but it's just
difficult when the people who treated you like shit knew you irl and online friends are .. just that. online friends. part of me feels like i'm keeping some
sort of big secret from my online friends just because they don't know the full context of me losing all my irls, but i know that everything i tell them
is just the situation from my perspective. and ultimately, i have to stop telling myself that i'm a completely irredeemable person for early high school drama.
but some part of me feels like if my online friends were my irls and they were involved in everything that happened to me, they would've left me too. even though
i know that isn't true since i was talking to them around the same time and speaking to them of these situations, albeit briefly. fuckin whatever man, idk. i know i've
grown as a person and that's all that matters. it's just like, lingering guilt. i pray that this shit won't still haunt me into my 20's, because dear god would that be embarrassing!

enough negativity though. i want to think about good things, like i just don't wanna stew in misery on my birthday of all days. i deserve better than that. i want to
draw or something, but i also just don't really have the energy for it right now? i probably will tomorrow. i'm going to an interactive art exhibit in town next week
as sort of a late birthday celebration thing with my mom. i'm excited for that. my friend is coming with me, and i'm also excited to get to know her better since
we've known each other for years but only recently started talking more often again. she seems like a very genuine and kind person. i want to invest all of the
energy that it takes me to be kind and thoughtful with people into people who really deserve it. it's hard for me to communicate my love to people. i think i most often
do so through gifts and words? i know that love languages are a thing or something, but i don't really subscribe to that idea? because what i consider my "love language"
largely depends on the context of the relationship and already established boundaries/prior demonstrated expressions of affection. for example, if i have a friend and
a common thing for us to do is to give gifts that require a lot of work to be put into them, i may feel rejected if the time for this exchange comes and i find that i
clearly put a greater amount of work into my gift than they did theirs. but i also don't like to put a lot of expectations on people i'm connected with. though i think
for me that far too often turns into me disregarding or not expressing my own needs and boundaries in relationships to make the other person happy. and i should stop
doing that so much. communication is important to me, and that's really a part of communication. my friendship with riley has been really good in that regard though.
i feel like both of us have a pretty good understanding of eachothers' limits and boundaries, and never really try to push eachother into overextending ourselves for
one another. but i should work on that more with my irl friendships, since irl social interaction is much, much harder for me.

okay, i think that just about sums up my thoughts for tonight, if not i'll add an addendum. but i need to piss, and i also want to draw and put my coffee from earlier
over ice. god. i'm 17. shit doesn't feel real. as a kid i always viewed 17 as the age where you would finally become mature, for some reason. i sure as hell don't feel
mature. but nonetheless i think 8 year old me would be happy with how i am now, and that's all that really matters to me i guess. that i've progressed.

addendum: oh yeah, i passed most of my HSE pretests. all of them except math. i'm pretty proud of myself for that.