back.

✦ digital journal ✦


ive never done a blog page before, but i figure it's better than being annoying on people's twitter timelines or
bothering my friends in the wee hours with every stupid little thought that pops into my head. most of these
entries will be very rambly and nonsensical, since i have a habit of going off on tangents.

latest entry



september 3, 2021 ✦ 8:25 PM

i've felt incredibly paranoid lately and it fucking sucks. i know logically that there's nothing i should be worried about, but i'm still fucking freaked out all the time.
i feel like i'm kind of stalling with the more major life stuff i should be getting done, but i don't know. i should also just take things at my own pace and try not to worry
so much. i just cant help it. i don't know when i became such a worrier. things have been nice for me lately. i went to that art exhibit with my friend the other day and it was fun.
it's also her birthday soon, so i'm going bowling with her tomorrow. my old friends in theater tech miss me apparently? i'm planning on stopping by the school on wednesday to bring
them some cookies. i also want to include something else a little special with them too though. i have some stuffed animals i got from ex friends that i want to give them so that
someone who doesn't have bad associations with them can have them instead of me, and hopefully it'll be a good step in me letting go. things are just weird for me mentally. i'm brimming
with anxiety and i find myself feeling so detached from the rest of the world at the moment. i get irritated at the smallest little things too. i force myself to worry or get pissed off
at shit that just does not matter or run potential disastrous situations in my head over and over again. like i know things in my physical, tangible life are changing but mentally i just
feel like i'm stuck in groundhog day. do you ever find yourself getting nostalgic over how you were mentally at certain points in your life? i can't describe it that well, but it's like
every 3 or so month period in my life evokes a specific feeling whenever i look back on it, and i find myself missing those feelings. i should focus on the now though. it's just difficult.

in other news, it's finally starting to get cooler outside. i've been sick of it being in the high 90's and 100's. summer's finally over, i think. hopefully. i won't jinx it. i want to be
able to wear my sweaters. what if i made a page on this site specifically dedicated to documenting every sweater in my collection? would that be too much, or would it be cool? i like when
neocities sites include little personal things like that. i would like to make a section specifically for pictures of the taxidermy i own once my collection gets bigger. so far i own an
alligator head, a fox skull, a deer foot, and a bunch of other assorted bones. when i live in my own place i'd like to have a little shelf full of different taxidermy. i like wet specimens,
but i don't think i would be able to keep them for a long time? from what i've heard i think you have to replace the fluid in the jars after a long time, but i could be wrong.

my road trip last week was nice. i didn't do much in terms of sightseeing or anything since it was just a random town in the desert, but i had fun. we had a nice dinner, and the day we were supposed to leave
my dad dropped me off at a starbucks while he went to play golf and i just sat in there and drew for most of the day until we went home. i had to move locations halfway through the day though because
the starbucks got too crowded. i actually liked the hotel we stayed at. it's reminiscent of many of the older, cheaper hotel-casinos in vegas. i have a lot of nostalgia for places like that.
i was also just in utah yesterday. we drove up to another town in the middle of nowhere and went hiking. i normally don't like hiking, but the weather was nice and a lot of the path went through a creek
so it was a good outing for the day. i'll attach a picture i took on this page. my feet went numb halfway through though because i wasn't wearing proper hiking boots and so my feet got wet +
the water was super cold. i also ended up kinda spacing out and walking much further ahead of our group on the way back. i like going for walks a lot. it's something i've started doing a lot more in recent
years, along with going for bike rides. i still want to drive though. i finally got my permit in the mail this week, so i'm anxious to start drivers ed classes. i want to work. as much as it's nice to stay at home a lot,
i feel like i'm rotting here. i'm alone with my thoughts too much, and i need to keep busy. it's half of why i make art so frequently. it keeps my brain busy. i also almost always have some kind of background noise on,
whether it be music or video essays/documentaries. unrelated, but i've been thinking of privating my instagram and deleting almost all other forms of social media presence i may have. it feels weird being so exposed to
the rest of the world. i kind of just want to keep things to my few followers and this site. it feels more personal that way. i also hate the thought patterns that i start to see in myself whenever i use social media.
it's always frantic rage/jealousy/paranoia, just feeling inadequate or freaked out or angry at someone for getting more attention than me. it's horrible. it brings out the worst in me. that's why i take so many breaks.
social media has fucked up my perception of myself and others. i want to try and get back to more important things. i want to focus more on my art itself rather than trying to make it appealing enough to post or whatever.

i made a pmv/animatic type thing last week, you can find it here.
it took me about 3 days to make, which i kind of surprised myself with. it's the first time ive ever finished something like this. i did the thumbnails for it and sketched out all the frames the first day, finished half
of them the second day, and finished the second half on the third day. i'm really happy with it, and i wanna do more stuff like it but i don't know when i'll get that kind of motivation again.
i also made a sculpture of bernard, kind of on a whim. ive been throwing myself fully into my work again and it's been really nice. i should update the art page here when i have the energy to, probably tomorrow.
i need to learn more stuff about html to make this little site look nicer! it's just a bit of a learning curve. i'm sure i'll understand it best if i take it at my own pace though, like with anything. i shouldn't rush myself.
i don't need to be good at everything i do right away.

past entries

august 24, 2021
august 23, 2021